Ten years ago, if you had told Marsha Staring that she'd be where she is today, she would have told you that you would have a better chance of having coffee with God. Once homeless and living with drug use and alcoholism, Marsha has transformed her life. She is now 9 years sober and works every day to help others who are in need. This is her story.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Hello, and welcome to the Hope Happens Here Podcast. I'm Kate Gosney Hoffman. So glad you're here today. We are joined by the fabulous Marsha Staring. I've had the pleasure of knowing Marsha and working with her professionally. It is such an honor to have her sitting with me today. Marsha is the Customer Welcome Specialist at Be Well OC currently. She was once homeless, living with alcohol and drug abuse until she got sober nearly nine years ago. After 25 years of drinking and drug use, she lost her husband to alcoholism. And with the help of the Roque Center Rehab, she transformed her life, eventually becoming supervisor of client services and recovery and chemical dependency at Hoag Hospital. There, she met Be Well OC CEO, Marshall Moncrief. And since then she's been part of the Be Well OC team. And she notes that if I can save one person by sharing my story, I'm thrilled to help. Hi, Marsha.
Marsha Staring:
Hi, Kate. It's so good to see you.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Ditto.
Marsha Staring:
Cool.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
So other than my own personal excitement of being able to see you, because I haven't seen you in so long, I am really personally looking forward to hearing your story, because although I've worked with you in the past, I've heard bits and pieces of your life, and it's always captured my curiosity because I can see the tapestry of things that have created the Marsha that I know today.
Marsha Staring:
Yeah, there is a reason this happened.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
I think it's such a wonderful opportunity to just sit down and actually hear the story from A to Z, as much as we can within our timeframe.
Marsha Staring:
Absolutely.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
So let's just dive in. Tell me about you. Tell me about how you got to this point in your life.
Marsha Staring:
Okay. It is a long story. I have become the bullet point girl. They make fun of me at BeWell. Not really, but they appreciate the fact that I'm the bullet point girl now.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Sure.
Marsha Staring:
Yeah.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
You've refined it a bit.
Marsha Staring:
Yeah, I actually have. So as you mentioned, I just picked up a nine-year-old ship at the end of January. Now, how amazing is that?
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
It's so amazing.
Marsha Staring:
I know. Now, if you had told me 10 years ago this is where I'd be at this point in my life, I would have told you, "You have a better shot of having coffee with God tomorrow morning." I did not see this coming. But I'm super blessed and I'm grateful and I'm humbled. I like to say I have so many blessings that I think somebody got the wrong address. Sincerely, I think that. And then I remember something that my sponsor taught me, that he doesn't make mistakes. He is my God whom I call dude. I do call him dude, and he doesn't make mistakes. So I must be doing something right, and I'm just going to do the best I can every day.
Marsha Staring:
So to share a little bit about my experience, strength and hope, I probably cross the line from the occasional partier. Back in New York, we were the disco queens and cocaine was running rampant. But I was going to college and I was just drinking on weekends, but I crossed the line. And what happened is I was at my son's christening party. This is a true story. So my son had been born and he's a pure joy. He still is now. That's another story. I'll share a little bit about that with you, because what happens in recovery, it's just amazing. I'll share something with you in just a moment.
Marsha Staring:
But I was at this at my son's christening party in New York and I'm Italian Catholic. And if you give an Italian Catholic family a reason to party, a christening is one. It's where you hire three bands, you have bartenders, it's crazy. It's a big deal. This is a true story you guys, so the door opened up after my christening party, excuse me. And my brother walked in and behind him was this gentleman. I'd never seen him before, and I'm not talking like he was a 10 plus. He was pretty handsome though. Immediately our eyes met, because I'm so shy, made sure I went over and introduced myself immediately. He didn't know it, but he was going to become my husband. Yeah. And his name was and he was Gail. He was the love of my life. 25 years in, when that gentleman walked into our room, I still got butterflies.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Wow.
Marsha Staring:
Yeah. Amazing. Quite the journey. The fact of the matter is he was a hot mess, but he was my hot mess.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Sure.
Marsha Staring:
And that very day after the christening party, after I met Gail, I went home to my son's father who was a dear friend of mine, a wonderful stand-up man. And back then we used to say, "I need some space, dude." I got to tell you, he packed up pretty quickly and he was okay with it.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Maybe he was waiting for that.
Marsha Staring:
Maybe he just was. Mind you, he just moved right down the street to his mom's house, and Gail moved in the very next day. Gail and I were together for almost 28 years.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Wow, Marsha.
Marsha Staring:
Yeah. And as I said, the love of my life, and with Gil came some issues and concerns. When I met him, Gail was clean and sober. He was originally from my hometown, but had moved out to Newport Beach where he did pretty well financially, he owned a few houses, he had some horses and he had an awesome two-year-old little boy with him when I met him. His name is Parker, and Parker is my son through and through. My son, David and Parker were raised as brothers. But Gail was clean and sober, as I just said, when I met him. But he had a long history with drug use. And most of you guys know how the story goes. So he picked up again, and his drug of choice was heroin.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Oh, wow.
Marsha Staring:
Yeah. His drug of choice was heroin. And he treated me like a princess and he never said no to anything. Life was really, really good for a long time because Gail was so financially stable. There were no consequences in the beginning because-
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
So to interject here, how long did he stay sober when you were together?
Marsha Staring:
Less than a year. And he probably had about eight, nine months. So he had-
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
He was newly sober.
Marsha Staring:
Yeah, he was newly sober, so he was. Before you know it, were just drinking and before you know it, it turned in. So he started using heroin again. In the beginning I didn't touch it. But please remember I was 24-years-old and knew nothing about anything.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Totally.
Marsha Staring:
Yeah, you just wish you knew then, [inaudible 00:06:55]. So he's using it and I'm not seeing any consequences. My life is amazing. We are traveling, I have a beautiful sports car. We're drinking champagne. He's got a ton of money, and I never had any of that. He treats me like a princess, and I'm in love with him. It was a wow.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
It's hard to think anything was wrong here.
Marsha Staring:
Yeah. Okay. But then story takes its twist, because the money started running out. But not before, I started seeing a change in him. I started seeing a change in Gail. He wasn't really taking care of his businesses as well as he was before, when he was sober. Of course, you aren't. And he wasn't paying attention that much anymore. And so I felt like I was losing a little ground with him and I decided one day that I wanted to be on the same page he was on. So I started using heroin with him.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Wow. Okay. And so how long in your marriage to him was that you think?
Marsha Staring:
I was probably in about two and a half years.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
It didn't take long.
Marsha Staring:
No, it didn't take long. And he was the scariest part. It's all pretty scary. But the scariest part of using heroin and the truth of the matter is, Kate, within two weeks I was addicted to heroin. Within two weeks, if I went a day or two without it, my body felt it. But because of the lifestyle that we had, I wasn't without it. I had it daily. And before you have two grown adults with a heroin habit, with way too much money and I have two beautiful children that I'm responsible for. And in the beginning with the use of heroin, everything's perfect as long as you have it. I'm good. I'm doing the PTA thing. I'm shopping until I drop and life is good.
Marsha Staring:
And then came the reality that always comes, the money started running out. It was getting a little harder to secure the drugs that we needed because you have two adults that are addicted. I can't even tell you the cost daily of what it was because I don't recall and I don't feel like plugging my brain into it, but it was a lot of money.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Yeah, no doubt.
Marsha Staring:
And so the day came, and this is probably the worst part of my story. And when I share this part of my story, I dreaded driving here because I knew I was going to share this, and I also know that I need to share it, because it keeps me grounded. So what happens is you have two people that are totally in love and love their children too. I would like to tell you that I gave my children away because it would have been better for them, but that would be a lot. I gave my children away because I got in the way of my drug use. And that's the truth of it. I gave my son to his amazing father and I gave my step-son, Parker, to his grandmother. And those two people raised my children. What kind of person does that? I did that. That's where this disease took me. So what happened is when you take the two children out of the equation, excuse me.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
That's okay.
Marsha Staring:
When you take the two children out of the equation, I had no reason to be accountable. I didn't even have to pretend I was okay. So it was on and cracking. And then before you know it, Gail and I hit the road and probably, seriously for 15 years we just chased the drug and we were involved in the drug life. I mean, I left New York and went to California, probably five different times with him because now he was my addiction and he didn't break my arm. I'm not that girl that's in recovery that's going to blame it on her childhood. I'm not that girl in recovery that's going to blame it on a husband. I was a grown woman that made my own decisions.
Marsha Staring:
And when I look in the mirror today, first off I'm glad I survived. And I know for a fact it sounds so typical, but it's so true. If I hadn't lived the life I led, I wouldn't be where I am today, and where I am today is pretty damn amazing, for real. So we're on the road and I'm following this man around. Sometimes we have money, sometimes we don't. Newport Beach is a love of his life. He introduced me to Newport Beach from the moment he took me to Newport, who doesn't love Newport Beach?
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Right. Yeah. Exactly.
Marsha Staring:
And I come from a pretty cool family. They all have their own issues, but we look out for each other. I can't tell you how many times I called back home. And when I called back home, because I didn't do it a lot, probably in my lifespan I'm calling back home and asking for help, it was four different occasions. And they sent a ticket out for me and Gail. They love Gail as well. And they would send us back to New York and tried to get us stable and bring us back into the family business. And before it, we'd stay cool for a minute and then we'd be off and running again. I lived in motels. I slept in sleeping bags, behind garbage cans. We traveled all the time. We were just bombs. We were hot messes and we were bombs. Sometimes I had a tent, sometimes I didn't. So yeah.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
What was giving you the means to travel?
Marsha Staring:
Well, he got a small pension. Yeah. He was also a panhandle, something that I could never do and he used to get really mad at me. He's like, "They love women, Marsha." I'm like, "I just can't do it, Gail. I just can't do it. Just go get what we need."
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Not to make light of this situation, but it's funny to me that that's where you drew the line. Nothing.
Marsha Staring:
It's pretty freaking amazing.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Everything else that was going on. And I'm telling what I won't do that.
Marsha Staring:
Yeah. Not even one time did I panhandle. It was ongoing. [inaudible 00:12:52] with those.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Funny enough.
Marsha Staring:
One more time I'm staying at the Costa Mesa Motor Inn. It's no longer there, but I'm pretty confident that there are some people who are going to listen to this podcast and get what I'm talking about. It was a low-bottom engine motel off the Harbor. Kate, it was huge. Many, many, many families lived there. And when I share this story at the women's group and stuff, it's a perfect opportunity for me to share that you should never look down your nose at people. There were some families at this motel that literally had seven or eight children in the room. So we don't get to judge. I mean, we judge and we shouldn't, because let me tell you what those people in that motel did for me.
Marsha Staring:
So one more time I call home and they sent Gail and I back home. We're doing pretty well because what happens is when you clean your life up a little bit, good things happen. So there's a car in the driveway. We have a nice house, I'm paying rent. I'm running the café again for my family and Gail's a short order cook, life is good life. I mean, I'm not using heroin at all at this point. I gave it up totally. And that was one of the most horrible things I ever came off of it.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Did you do it on your own?
Marsha Staring:
I did it on my own. I had Gail put me in a hotel room in Anaheim and leave me there for three days.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Oh, wow. Marcia.
Marsha Staring:
It was probably one of the scariest couple of days of my life. When he dropped me off, I had him take the phone because I know me I'm a pussy. I'm going to call him crying and say, "Come and get me." I'd been in the drug world long enough, Kate, that I knew what to expect, but I didn't expect what I got. I'll share a couple of quick moments with you on that. So he took the phone and he left, and he didn't want anything to do with it. He thought I was insane, but I woke up that morning and I just had enough. I didn't have the drug. I was sick to my bones and I'm like, "Gail, I'm calling my family. I'm going to have them pay for a hotel, take me up to Anaheim." And he was against it, but he did. I could talk him into anything. So he took the phone and he left. I remember the first day it wasn't too bad, because let's be honest, I still had some of the stuff in my system.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Yeah. Exactly.
Marsha Staring:
So it was okay. The second day is when it started getting pretty bad. And the only thing I had Gail leaving the room for me with some water and crackers. Because like I said, I had been through it before with other people because I'm in this world now. By the middle of the second day, I can't move. Sincerely, truly can't move. So now I'm on this bed, in this strange hotel with no phone, no means of communication, which was a godsend. It was godsend. I was glad I was smart enough to do that. And without being very, very graphic, this is another one that shakes me a little bit. I want you to visualize that I can't move. So guess what's happening in that bed. I can't make it to the restaurant, and it lasted for that entire evening until the middle of the next day. I couldn't move. I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't use the restroom.
Marsha Staring:
Finally, It was horrible. Absolutely horrible. And I remember it well, which is probably good. I remember when I was finally able to crawl off the bed and crawl to the shower and get in the shower, talk about an aha moment. I mean, it was an aha moment, and then I slowly started getting better, but I wasn't well. I remember when my husband came to the door the following morning at 6:00 AM and he knocked on the door, I opened the door and there he was with the phone and a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Oh, Jesus.
Marsha Staring:
No, but I was okay. I needed the Jack Daniels. I will not lie to you. I'd like to tell you, I never used heroin again after that, but that also wouldn't be true, but I never used heroin daily again. I probably dabbled in it three more times in a ten-year period. I was done with it.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Just for, so I can get sort of the picture here. When you detoxed that time, how long had you been using heroin?
Marsha Staring:
Oh my God. 10 plus years.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Okay. A long time.
Marsha Staring:
A long, long time.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
So that lifestyle that you guys had up until that point of just sort of being, sorry, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but kind of vagabond life.
Marsha Staring:
And that's a really nice word for what we are, we are totally vagabonds. We were.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Yeah. So this vagabond life was a decade plus long of living like that. And it started with you basically living on top of the world financially to being homeless.
Marsha Staring:
That is correct.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Wow. What a journey. And that was only part of it.
Marsha Staring:
Yeah. And then the last phone call home, Gail and I, like I said, are living at that low-bottom indigent hotel and I'm meeting all these family members. I'm not shy and I love people. Even on my worst day of my alcoholic addiction and my drug addiction, I still think this planet is pretty amazing and so are some of the people on it. I do. I think that. I always thought that.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
I think that's part of why you're still alive, Marsha.
Marsha Staring:
Probably, so because the fact of the matter is I shouldn't be. I mean, this girl put herself in situations and places that no young ladies should put herself in. So somebody was watching out for me and it wasn't me. So once again, I call home and I'm ready to clean up after that fiasco at the Anaheim Hotel. And we go home and like I said, we start getting things together again. And before you know, like I said, there's a couple of cars in the driveway, we're in a nice house. My family owns it, but we're paying rent. We're working every day and life is good. And then Gail has a doctor's appointment and he comes home from the doctor's appointment and he gives me the news that he's got probably about a year to live. He's full of cancer.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Oh, my.
Marsha Staring:
Yeah. Okay. But on the flip side of that you give two alcoholics and addicts a good reason like that. Kate, we were off and running again. We sold everything we own. The only thing I could imagine I was going to follow him to the end, and I did. Now, I want you to remember that I gave my two children away during this time and I could call my step-son, Parker, and he would always pick the phone up. His mother was an addict. His father was an addict. His new step-mom is an addict. He knew nothing different. So he was always very, very gracious to me. And still is one of the loves of my life. We have an amazing relationship. I have a beautiful granddaughter with Parker. Now my son, David, that's another story. I will share with you that David son law enforcement.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Okay.
Marsha Staring:
And I want you to remember, I gave him away.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
How old was he when you ...
Marsha Staring:
When I gave him away?
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Yeah.
Marsha Staring:
Probably four.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Okay.
Marsha Staring:
Yeah. I mean, there were moments when I've seen him throughout, but I'm not going to make light of it. I gave him away. And then what I would do to this poor child growing up is I would drunk dial him. I want to watch my verbiage a little, but if David decided to pick up the phone, which most times he didn't even bother, he might say something like, "Mom, you are an elfin scumbag. Stop calling me. I wish you were dead." And he'd hang up on me.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Mama hurt.
Marsha Staring:
Yeah, me too. But you want to know what? I kept calling him. I didn't care if he wanted to hear my voice, I needed to hear his. And he was angry and he thought he hated me. I think he did for a period of time. The good news now is I'm invited to his home. He picks the phone up when I call, he's in law enforcement, go figure in New York. We don't have a wonderful mom and relationship, we're never going to, but we have a relationship. I'm welcome in his home. I have two beautiful grandsons from Davey, and his wife is amazing. He doesn't any longer wish me harm, which is a really good thing.
Marsha Staring:
I was out visiting David about a year ago. I remember we were outside of his house and we were having a cigarette and he looked at me, and I don't know if you guys are going to get this, maybe some of you will. He looked at me. He says, "Hey, mom, you know what?" I'm like, "What kid?" He says, "I don't hate you anymore." And that was used to me.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
That makes me want to cry because that's a big deal.
Marsha Staring:
And I'll take it because I'm happy enough with the fact that both of my boys are good fathers, good providers. They are super good fathers. They're really good at what they do. And if I got nothing else in life going on, I've got that. I won't forget it has nothing to do with me. It had absolutely nothing to do with me. Thank God and the people that raised them. I just get to enjoy all of it now. And how blessed am I? He picks up my phone calls now. So Gail and I hit the road once again and it quickly became ugly because he wasn't well anymore. He wasn't well. So they gave him one year to live. He lasted five.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
He lasted five years?
Marsha Staring:
Yeah. I'm not one bit sorry about the five years. I'm not. I wish we could have lived it cleaner. Of course, I'm sorry about that. But it lasted five years and he died in my arms at the Costa Mesa Motor Inn, that low-bottom indigent hotel I told you about.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Wow.
Marsha Staring:
I woke up and we went to bed with a quarterback on the side of the bed, and he was getting sick and I knew he was getting sick and sicker and sicker. So he didn't wake up the following morning. Yeah, so I called the hospital and they came and got him. And what does this drunk do? What does this piece of work do? I went on a blind drunk. He died in August, Kate. I have no recollection from August to January. I've lived in that hotel. My family paid my bills. And those low-bottom indigent people I told you about around me who didn't even know who I was, they took care of me for over five months.
Marsha Staring:
I had complete strangers feeding me soup. I kept falling down cement stairs. I was on the second story of a cement motel. They would pick me up and put me in bed and bandage me. I wouldn't have made it without these complete strangers. And that's why I say, nobody should judge anybody ever. They saved my life until I got evicted, who gets evicted from a motel? I did. I got evicted from a motel. And then I got the alcoholic dream that said I need to be closer to my husband. One of Gail's last wishes, we had a pack because he wanted his ashes off the Newport Beach. He loved Newport, he loved it. One day I was sober enough to get on the bus and I took his ashes down, which had gotten delivered to me from the hospital. I didn't go pick them up, I was too drunk.
Marsha Staring:
I took his ashes down and I did what he asked. So when I got evicted from the Costa Mesa Motor Inn, I got this brilliant idea, I needed to be closer to my husband. I moved in underneath the Newport Beach Pier with a sleeping bag and my designer luggage, which was my hefty green garbage bag. So it was me and my hefty green garbage bag underneath the Newport Beach Pier. And I will share this with you, the Newport beach police, they weren't real happy with the new tenant. They weren't.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Yeah. That makes sense.
Marsha Staring:
I wasn't out there real long time, but I was out there long enough that I got sober a little mentally because I knew I had put myself in a really bad situation. I'm out there alone on the street now.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
And this is the first time that you have been in this disease alone?
Marsha Staring:
Yes. First time ever. It's a whole new ball game. Believe it or not, and out from under the protection of those wonderful families, that we're at the Costa Mesa Inn. But I still had enough wherewithal going on that I knew I was in a very dangerous situation because it doesn't take long to realize what's going on down there. So I don't think I was out there more than four or five days. And this is true, you don't sleep at night because that's when it's really dangerous. You learn quickly. So I wake up one morning, true story you, guys, and I look at God, I hadn't talked to God forever. This is all I said, Kate, and I still talk to Him just like he's sitting next to me. I look up and I'm like, "Dude, I think I'm in a little trouble down here. I think I need some help." True story. Be careful what you ask for because he sent the guns in.
Marsha Staring:
Not an hour later, this car pulls up and out comes this blonde in a tie-dye shirt, long blonde flowing hair. I will never forget, and this is the reason I won't forget her. And she opens up the back of her truck and she's handing out backpacks to the homeless people that are down there by the Pier in Newport Beach. And I went over, not because I needed anything, just because I wanted to see what was going on.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Just what's going on.
Marsha Staring:
Yeah. And I still have my yellow and black backpack. I still have the one she gave me, and come to find out she was in her, I want to say fifth or fourth year of residency. She's a doctor. And by the end of that day, I was in the back of her car. And she took me to that low-bottom indigent recovery center, the Roque Center. She's a doctor. And for the first years, she came every year wherever I went to get my chip. We became fast and furious friends.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
That is incredible.
Marsha Staring:
She's an amazing ... Talk about someone who's going to make a mark on this planet, there's no doubt. And here she is in a tie-dye, passing personal items out.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Yeah. So what was in the backpack?
Marsha Staring:
Toothpaste, toothbrush, socks, a hair brush, things like that. And I walked into the Roque Center thinking, this is me, I'm walking into the Roque Center, I was ready. I was scared out there. I'm not going to lie to you, I was scared
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
There was a lot of different chapters in this journey of yours, but it sounds like that was a different kind of bottom you had reached.
Marsha Staring:
I was completely alone with just me and my disease, and I just knew I was really in trouble. Yeah. I mean.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
You're scared.
Marsha Staring:
Yeah. I was scared. I wouldn't lie to you, I was scared. Yeah. So I asked for some help and I walked into the Roque Center just thinking, I need to take a shower. I need a place to rest my head. I want to get something to eat and I'm going to get my next hustle on.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
That mindset. Yeah.
Marsha Staring:
Kate, I never had any hustle, my husband had the hustle. Okay, I could hustle where we have a brown paper bag. Okay. And to the fact that the matter is I walked into the Roque Center without attitude, and I stayed at the Roque Center for three years.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Three years?
Marsha Staring:
I went through the detox program. They offered me, and remember I don't have a cent, not a dime. They put me into the 90-day program all on the same campus. And from the 90-day program, they put me upstairs in the sober living, which I took over and I managed, and I stayed there for three years. And the Roque Center saved my life. They taught me how to walk this journey of recovery. I met my sponsor there. I went to work and I went back into the restaurant business and I will forever be grateful to them. Again, I rolled up with my hefty garbage bag. And today I'm on the board of directors of the Roque Center.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Are you really?
Marsha Staring:
Oh, yes.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Wow.
Marsha Staring:
That will be forever my home. They do some amazing things there.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Just for a minute, tell us about the Roque Center because it's its own kind of place.
Marsha Staring:
Yeah, it absolutely is. And it's changed a lot. I'm sad to say. When I walked into the Roque Center, they had a beautiful building/facility in Garden Grove which we lost. We ended up losing the building for whatever reason, it doesn't matter why we lost it but we did. And fortunately enough, we still had a piece of property that we were able to start fresh again. So what the Roque Center is now, it's just a detox program. I should never say just a detox. That's the beginning of this journey. It's huge. I can't tell you how many alumni are involved in the Roque Center, and I can't tell you how many lives that they have saved They were up and running for over 40 years. I mean, the work they do is amazing.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
This sounds terrible, but it's true. They take a lot of people who other people might turn away.
Marsha Staring:
It is terrible and it is true. It's absolutely true, and we don't care. And I will be honest with you, things have changed a little bit because they had to change. As a matter of fact, I think it may just be Medi-Cal now. But something interesting, the director of the program there, who's a very dear friend of mine, her name is Dana and Monn who runs a program. God bless them. They do amazing work. They like to say on the QT, because I know no one's listening to this. So nobody will ever know that they say this, but they don't say no to anyone. They don't care what you've got going on, or how much money you've got in your pocket. They're not going to say no to you.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
And it's not fluffy there.
Marsha Staring:
Oh, no.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
I mean, this is where if you need to get sober, you go here, because you're going to have a slap in the face of reality, right?
Marsha Staring:
Yeah. It's not fluffy, but it's absolutely everything that you need and not nothing more. And you're not going to walk out of that program without a really good solid exit program, but then it's up to you. And what's really cool is we have sober living houses that were attached. Now we own some houses. So we have someplace safe for you to go and it's not co-ed. The women are going here and the men are going there, but there are rules and regulations and we're going to hold you accountable. Because if you think it's a flop house, you've got the wrong place. That's not what we're going to do. So that program is just amazing.
Marsha Staring:
And then from there briefly somebody just said to me one time, "Marsha, come on over here. I want to introduce you to a friend of mine." And before you know it, I'm working in recovery." I gave up the restaurant business. I was managing a restaurant down in Newport Beach, and it just called my name. I met this woman and she was pretty solid and I liked her vibe. I'm like, "I'm going to give this a whirl." And I went to work for reflections and I became the operations manager there. And then they got bought out and they downsized. And so I'm on unemployment, poor me. I'm getting unemployment. I have an apartment, I'm driving a car. I'm solid. But I knew about Hoag Hospital. I knew about my husband and had been there many times. They drained his, whatever they drain because he was full of fluid. I always got treated very well there. And I knew they had a program there and I followed it in the business journals. And I was reading the weekly that came out about it and I knew what they were about.
Marsha Staring:
So I went online and I put my resume out there. And one day I got a phone call from a woman named Jenny Hall. And she called me in for an interview, and I got hired at Hoag hospital. And all I am is a fall down drunk who drinks out of a brown paper bag underneath the Newport Beach Pier and now I'm working at Hoag Hospital, are you kidding me? I mean, come on, let's say it's a Hoag Hospital thing.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Yeah, it's amazing. I know.
Marsha Staring:
And then within three years of my hire, I don't want you to think I'm being boastful because I'm not, I'm just sharing my story. I want you guys to know this is how it goes if you just get your head out of, you know where and do the right thing.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Absolutely.
Marsha Staring:
Within three or four years, I had been promoted four times and I ended up, my title was a supervisor of client services at Hoag Hospital. I was supervising at Hoag Hospital, are you kidding me? I mean, how blessed, such a blessing, such an amazing program. Since I was 16, I wanted a Mustang. I couldn't buy it. I couldn't rub two sticks together most of my life, I was too busy trying to get drugs and alcohol. Well, while I was employed at Hoag Hospital, I was able to go out and purchase a brand-new Mustang.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
You got your Mustang.
Marsha Staring:
That's sitting right out in the parking lot.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
What color is it?
Marsha Staring:
She's metallic gray, she's hot, she's sexy and she's fast. I drive fast.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
She's [crosstalk 00:33:55].
Marsha Staring:
I mean, how blessed am I? And that's where I met Marshall. And I really, really knew as I do now that this is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. Because it's very true, you can't keep this if you don't give it away.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
So when Marsha is talking about Marshall, Marshall Moncrief is the CEO of Be Well OC where you're at now.
Marsha Staring:
Now that is correct.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
And what do you do there?
Marsha Staring:
My official title there is a Client Welcome Specialist, which is pretty cool. It's a big umbrella. I do a lot of different things because I'm very shy and quiet. I work closely with Dr. Brand who is the director of operations, and she's amazing. I mean, how cool is this you guys? I had Jenny Hall at Hoag Hospital. I got Marshall and Dr. Brand at the Be Well campus of Orange. God has surrounded me by amazing people. They're brainiacs. I love hanging with smart people. I just do, and I'm blessed. I learned from all of the people that I hang with and the opportunity that Marshall and Dr. Brand has given me at the Be Well Campus of Orange is amazing.
Marsha Staring:
That place takes my breath away when I think about it. It's a gorgeous building and everybody's so impressed when they come in. I'm impressed. But that's brick-and-mortar. What's impressive, what makes my heart sing is the beautiful stuff that we're going to do inside of that building.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Yeah. Absolutely.
Marsha Staring:
It is an amazing campus. They're going to change the image of mental health; are you kidding me?
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
And you're part of that, Marsha.
Marsha Staring:
Go figure!
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Do you ever just think of your life and just like, is this real?
Marsha Staring:
It blows me away sometimes when I think about it. I understand. I said to Marshall, I'm like, "Seriously, 10 years ago if you had told me about this." It's not the car, it's not. Although I'm not going to lie to you, I love my freaking car, but just the blessings that I have, I have relationships now with my children. my family invites me back and they don't even have to buy my ticket anymore. You know what I mean?
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Right. You have your own money.
Marsha Staring:
I have my own, and the people that I've met on this journey, and again, not to be boastful, there's not a doubt in my mind that I've touched some lives.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
No doubt.
Marsha Staring:
I have. I've touched some lives. When that person walked back into the Solmar unit at home and said, "Hey, Marsha, I got a year clean. I want to volunteer and work with you now." That's amazing
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Totally. Yeah.
Marsha Staring:
And Kate, when they walk in to the Be Well Campus of Orange, I'm pretty much the first face you're going to see. And if you don't see me, you're going to hear me. I like to share on the quiet New York or in the front. But the first thing I want them to know, do you know what I want them to know?
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
What?
Marsha Staring:
I want them to know I see you. Because I remember when I was out on the street, I used to hide under my hair, under my hat. I didn't want anybody to see me. I want them to know I see you. I see you and I'm glad you're here. Come on, let's start this journey for real, that's how I truly feel. I'm honored and blessed to be a part of it.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Well, we're honored and blessed to have you as a part of it. I mean, there's so many things that we could unpack with your story, right?
Marsha Staring:
I know. And I cleaned it up for the podcast.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
I just want to acknowledge the rawness, that is you. It is beautiful and refreshing and you let yourself get so vulnerable. So I just want to thank you for being able to go there with me, with us. I know you're not a stranger to telling your story.
Marsha Staring:
I'm not, but it always racks me.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
I can see that it doesn't matter how many times you say it, it's your truth and you're reliving this truth. And every time your body and your soul and your heart and your nervous system reacts to it as it should. But that's part of staying sober, right?
Marsha Staring:
That's correct. You're not supposed to forget where you came from. Yeah.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Right. And so you could go to meetings?
Marsha Staring:
I do. COVID hit and stuff. So not really a lot, I'll be honest with you, but I'm doing a lot of Zoom meetings. And now that I'm back in California because I was in Florida for a little while after I left Hoag. So I'm reconnecting with the Recovery Community. And I got to tell you, there's nothing like the Recovery Community in Orange County, California.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
What is it about it?
Marsha Staring:
They're amazing. They're just rock stars. They are going out of the way. They didn't let a pandemic stop them. I came back to it like one little blurb, "Hey, I'm back." I'm honest to God, 45 phone calls with Zoom meeting links.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
That's magic. I love that.
Marsha Staring:
I'm like, wait a minute, I don't know how to use Zoom. Can somebody walk me through this? And that just how Orange County recover. Yes. They take this stuff serious. And the really cool thing about it, and Kate, you know this, some of us don't get it the first time. I was blessed enough that when I put that drink down that day, highly unusual, highly, and I walked into the Roque Center on January 29th. I've never picked up a drink since.
Marsha Staring:
I mean, and that doesn't happen frequently. And another wonderful thing about the community in Orange County is when we have fallen. And we do have people that fall regularly, we are going to rally around you like you don't even know, like there's no tomorrow. We don't care that you've fallen, we don't care that you've picked up again, you know what we care about? That you come back home.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Absolutely.
Marsha Staring:
Just come back. So what? Come back.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
You are family that people never knew they even had.
Marsha Staring:
Yeah. Exactly. And I'm so blessed.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
That is the most amazing thing about recovery, meetings, 12-step programs or other meetings that people find community in is, from a mental health perspective, relationships are healing. And no matter you're talking via Zoom or in-person, whatever, the relationships are healing. And on top of that, it is not just the relationship, but it is the acceptance in the relationship of like, we accept you, you will live in under our bridge, we you don't care because so was I at some point, or whatever. Or I'm not any better than you.
Marsha Staring:
Exactly.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
I'm not sure that there are many other places that you can go in and feel completely not judged when you just let it all on the table like that, because the shame runs deep. We talk about that a lot on this show.
Marsha Staring:
Absolutely.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
The shame runs so deep, substance abuse, mental illness. It's so hard to allow yourself to admit where you've been, what you've done, all that. And to have people say, "Okay, we love you anyway." There's nothing more healing than that.
Marsha Staring:
Absolutely nothing. There's no judgment. There's going to be those few in the rooms that do, but that's okay. There's enough room on this planet for all of us.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Totally.
Marsha Staring:
In general, I don't judge. Who am I to judge anybody? The only thing I want and I believe it's so simple and I share this a lot, I think the key to success in any area of our lives, not just recovery, I just think success will come if we're simply kind to one another. Just got to be kind to one another. It comes back on you, and who doesn't want to be kind? It's cool to be kind. I like being kind.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
It feels good.
Marsha Staring:
It does. It's a feel good thing. You know what I mean? Why not?
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Well, I'm sure that there are people listening that are family members of somebody who suffers from addiction, substance abuse, or maybe somebody who is wondering if they have a problem or maybe on the cusp of admitting that they need help and reaching out or whatnot. I'm curious from your experience, because these are the most beautiful things to hear, these personal lived stories. I mean, this is what we need to hear as human beings is each other's stories and stories of survival and overcoming and realizing that you're not alone. Is there anything that you would say to a person who is struggling in this disease and family members of them? Because one of the things I heard, I'm still talking, sorry. I rambled again, I will let you answer. I promise.
Marsha Staring:
No, go. I'm going to think about it.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
But one of the things that I noticed in your story is that your family continued to enable you in big ways. And it's so confusing as family as members to think that you're doing the right thing. Because for a minute it feels like you're doing the right thing because you're good for a minute. Like, you're going back home, you were working in the restaurant, it seem like you were better. And so it's like, "Okay, good. She's safe. We did our job." And it's so confusing.
Marsha Staring:
It is.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
I've been in that scenario, you just don't know what to do when it's in your family. So it's hard to know what the right thing to do. So I'm curious your take on that. What would you say to family members? And of course not one-size-fits all, but ...
Marsha Staring:
No, of course, it doesn't. My family, let's go back to them for a moment. When they stopped paying my rent at that motel is when I started on the road to starting to get well. And I share this sometimes in my story, they got bit by the Al-Anon bugs. Someone got them in New York involved in Al-Anon and I'm like, "Are you kidding me? What do you mean you're not going to pay my rent." And you know what they wanted. They just wanted me to come home and be well. They thought I was going to die out here and I should have.
Marsha Staring:
We addicts take hostages. It's a family disease, and because we're in the middle of a disease we don't get it. We don't get how much harm we're doing, that's not our focus. I have a disease, I had a disease. My focus was getting well. And what got me well was the alcohol or the heroine, when I was back in that disease. It didn't matter to me that my poor family was losing sleep over me. None of that matters.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Well, your brain is hijacked when you are in addiction, that's the way it thinks it can only survive.
Marsha Staring:
And we take hostages, we do that. It's such a true thing.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Right. Anything in your power.
Marsha Staring:
My sisters, my brothers, my mother, none of them meant anything. I want to share something with you. A family member walked in to the Be Well Campus of Orange the other day, this is another blessing that I get to be a part of. I can't even believe I get to do this kind of work. I don't have a lot of numbers and numerals behind my name, but what I bring to the table needs to be brought to the table in my opinion.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Absolutely.
Marsha Staring:
So I have this mother and she's in the lobby, and I didn't see her come in. Somebody else checked her in, but I don't miss too much and I see her immediately and I questioned the person. I'm like "Who's the young lady in the lobby?" And I'm told that it's a woman picking up her adolescent child from our crisis stabilization unit. So I immediately go over and introduce myself, because can you imagine you have a 15 year old little girl in a crisis stabilization unit and you're here to pick her up? No, she was dropping her off, excuse me. This woman was a mess. And all I wanted her to know is I was here.
Marsha Staring:
There was somebody here, can I get you a cup of coffee? Can I get you something? You know what I mean? Before I knew it, it turned in seriously into a 25 minute chat of the woman needed to be heard. She needed to share with somebody and I just happened to be there at the right place. And this is what I wanted her to take from me. First off, you just listen, she wanted to be heard and I listened to her. And I said, "The thing that, especially women, I'm sorry, I believe this. We're fine, I'm fine." We're going to make sure everybody else is okay around it. I had to share with her that if we don't take care of self, if I don't take care of myself first, I have nothing to bring to the family table. And we don't take care of ourselves.
Marsha Staring:
I said, "So you need to start taking care of yourself. Go nurture, go get some lunch, go lay your head down for a minute. She's in a fabulous, amazing place. You actually can breathe for a moment, go home and get some rest. I know she's going to be taken care of wonderfully." And I said, I'm sorry to say this." I said, "Well, I'm going to give you a job." She's like "A job?" I'm like, "Yeah, I got another job for you." She said, "Marsha, what?" And I said, "After you learn what you're going to be taught here at the Be Well Campus, our job as parents, and I believe this, is you have to bring this education home to the kitchen table and you have to sit around as family members and talk about it."
Marsha Staring:
Whether they want to hear it or not, Kate, we have to educate the community about mental illness. We have to, and it's still not talked about. It's just not. And that's what I'm hoping. I don't mean to keep plugging Be Well, but that's how excited I am about Be Well. I mean, whether it's the first of three places that are coming down the pike. But it's not just Be Well, because I might Be Well now, I'm doing a little Googling, I'm doing a little searching. And mental illness, everybody's on board with changing the image.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Yes.
Marsha Staring:
People need help out there. And it's so stigmatized that you want to hide from me, you're ashamed to admit it. Listen, if you got cancer, you're going to go get taken care of. If I have the flu, I'm going to go get a flu shot. Mental illness is the same thing, we need to take care of it. I don't know if we're going to ever get cured, let's not ... I'm going to be an addict and alcoholic the rest of my life, but we certainly can get you well if you walk through those doors.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Right. And to your point, starting a conversation about it is where it starts. And that starts in our homes, that starts in our families. Being able to sort of push back that shame and be able to be vulnerable with one another and admit that this is going on and talk about what recovery looks like and talk about it. Not own it for somebody else, but talk about wanting to learn about it, tell me about it. What does this look like? Let's just keep a conversation going about it because the more that we keep things secret, what happens? It just breeds shame, embarrassment and ...
Marsha Staring:
It's a silent disease, it never gets talked about.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
It's awful, I know it.
Marsha Staring:
And it is being talked about more, and it is about education. And that's our job as parents and as community leaders in this field, it's our job to educate and communicate. I just can't wait for them to walk through the doors of Be Well. I just can't wait to let them know I see you. Come on, let me try to help you, get you on this amazing journey of recovery because it just lacks. I'm so blessed.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
And we appreciate you letting yourself be seen in this way, and you are speaking your truth and an inspiration and-
Marsha Staring:
It's what I got, Kate.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
And it's a gift in the end, isn't it?
Marsha Staring:
Yeah. I'm blessed, is what I am. I wish I could do some redos in my life, but I wouldn't be where I am without them and I get it. I wish I'd been a better mother and a better wife, but guess what? Today I'm being the best person I can be, and that's all we can do.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
And we get to sit and we get to talk about it.
Marsha Staring:
I know, how cool is that. I love you, Kate.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
I love you too, Marsha.
Marsha Staring:
For real we do love each other.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
She's an amazing woman and it's just an honor to have you, so thank you so much-
Marsha Staring:
Pleasure's been all mine.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
... for all you do, for your continued love and support of people who need your love and support, and they don't even know it yet.
Marsha Staring:
Yeah, I raise my hand every time for that.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Yeah, you do.
Marsha Staring:
I will.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Yeah, thank you, Marsha.
Marsha Staring:
The pleasure's all mine. Thank you for inviting me.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Absolutely.
Marsha Staring:
Okay.
Kate Gosney Hoffman:
Okay.
Marsha Staring:
Okay. Perfect.